We have all been there at one time or another when a seemingly innocent conversation with our child takes a turn for the worse. It could be that they are tired, hungry or feeling stressed?
Maybe it is the topic itself that makes them feel uncomfortable for one reason or another?
Maybe they picked up on your tone of voice or body language?
Whatever the reason, it is up to us, as the parent, to manage the situation in the best way possible.
When conversations escalate, it creates a stress response in our body where oxygen leaves the pre-frontal cortex making it physiologically impossible to think straight (This happens to all of us regardless of age).
At this point, a time out is one of the best strategies to deploy. I have always felt that time outs are for parents, not necessarily our children. And, in this case, it is for us so that we do not make the situation worse and potentially say something that we would later regret.
One way to manage conversations that escalate with your child, is to take a deep breath and calmly say the following rehearsed response:
“I love you too much to argue with you and am going to take a break now. I will get back with you in xx time to resume our conversation.”
Calmly repeat if needed, then take the break.
It is very important to check-in at the promised time because we want our children to know that they can depend on us and that we keep our word, which both help develop a solid foundation of trust, that is key for any healthy, thriving relationship.
When checking in at the promised time, part of the check-in process is to assess if both you and your child are in a good space to revisit the conversation.
Let your child know that you promised to get back with them in xx minutes and wanted to find out how they are doing and if they feel ready to re-visit the conversation.
If for some reason you are not in a good space yet, you can simply say to your child:
“I promised I would get back with you in xx time. I am not quite feeling ready (or insert whatever reason) to resume the conversation and need xx time.”
If this happens, you need to get back with them at that new time. I also do not recommend doing this more than once and avoiding it if at all possible. Of course, this all depends upon the situation.
By taking this approach to manage conversations that escalate, you are also modeling one way to handle this type of situation. Trust me, our children are paying attention and making mental notes on how we show up as a parent, even when their behavior appears to be quite opposite.
Also, try to remember that our children have never been this age or stage before so it is up to us, as parents, to help guide them through these various situations such as managing conversations that escalate.
You’ve got this!
